Independence Day? Well, sorta

So, I got through Pride in Seattle. Our three parties were a huge success, we made a little bit of money and I saw practically the whole gay world out and about. The go-go boys were great. Originally, Tye and Ibby were supposed to dance at the Timberline, but their Friday night party there was a bust and so Ibby started to listen to what I had to say about what would be happening and where. They were really excited to dance. I made a schedule for them and told them what box to stand on and at what time. This allowed me a little bit of freedom to move around the party as they managed themselves. This worked like a charm. As the night went on, they began to improvise and did way more numbers than I was paying them for. They were the toast of the party and all of them were enjoying themselves a lot. Jake, the new guy, got along famously with everybody and really fit in. For his first time, Bud did great. He was all polished like a shiny, new nickel and was really enjoying the party. Cute as a button. No, fucking hot.

Craig stayed in the booth most of the night and I moved about taking care of everybody and making sure to do the social rounds. The highlight of my night was dancing with Scott Daniels and friends to Breathe by Michelle Branch. The energy was amazing, the lighting great, the venue superb, and the place was packed out in a mass of crazy dancing gay men. Exactly as I (we) had planned! Craig and I complimented each other perfectly and it made everything go really smoothly. By the end of the night, we were already planning our next round of parties.

The afterhours was a little crazy. I wanted to get there at 3:30 but didn't get there until 4:30. Everybody managed themselves great, though. Mark from Timberline was at the door and doing a stand-up job of things. Inside, Rob Hall kept the energy going at a clipping pace. My feet were TIRED but I did manage to enjoy myself and dance between all the party favors. Toward the end of the night, I ended up sitting next to Bud, who was with Tom and Shawn, and we just chilled. He stayed with me until I was all packed up and had paid everybody and I invited him to come stay with me. After such a big night and taking E, nobody wants to go home alone, and if I had one person to choose, it would've been Bud. I didn't even have my eyes on any one else that night, and he says he didn't either.

Bud always gets a headache after taking E on a party night. I gave him some ibuprofen and got him in bed and tried to massage it out of him. I wanted to maul him but thought it best to let him get better. The light was now full in the sky and I was still rolling, but I was just happy for the company. We cuddled for a while and it was nice and cozy. So nice to have a date, if not for just a little bit, on Saturday night of Pride Weekend. Morning came and there were the usual groggies after just a few hours of sleep, but we were off. I dropped Bud off at his truck and went to park to join Alberto and Jake at the Grill. We hung out for a while, but then Bud came waltzing by just about the time the Parade was getting done, so we got to hang out some more.

We spent the rest of the day together. Betweeen the park and The Cuff, he went to go get ready at home and there were some sexual insinuations thrown around and basically I said we should fuck around. "Why didn't you wake me up last night?" He asked. I said I tried but that I just wanted to let him sleep. So he came over, we had amazing sex, the rain came, lines were long at The Cuff (I'm sure) and we were off REALLY late to join the rest of the world there. But the sex and company were totally worth it. It was very tender and sweet and my crush was only confirmed. It felt like something more was happening. The rest of the night was spent dancing, hanging with friends, trying to get a little bit twisted, and getting Bud home so he could rest before work in the morning.

The next night, he came over to show me pictures from his camera of our big Pride Ball night. Just the fact that he offered to come over made my stomach flip. The fact that it turned into sex and some very tender hanging out was so much better than I could have imagined. Being me, I had to turn it into a relationship talk. I asked him if he was feeling the same things as I was. He told me that it was surprising to him, but that he was receptive to a relationship, and that he didn't think he would be so soon after his breakup with Gerrold. It was a very validating moment and it felt so good. We didn't decide anything; I only told him that I wanted to know if he was receptive. And he was. I had had a crush on Bud since Whistler, and through sex and hanging out it had come in and out for me, but now it was confirmed and could be cultivated. I had written him off when he slept with Jeremy -- only to protect myself, of course -- but he was written back in.

Throughout the week, we hung out. He initiated a lot of it. Last night (Thursday), I made him the most amazing seared Tuna and green curry I've ever had. It was a special dinner, and we made love afterwards, fucking for the first time. It was, like my relationship with Bud, so comfortable and consuming and special that it made for a very memorable night. Even when we just get to see each other for a little while, we kiss and hold hands and touch. There's a lot of warmth between the two of us, and I've been feeling great about the potential for my relationship with Bud. It's always frustrating to not have a definition for a relationship, but in the early stages, it's best just to leave it and let it grow as it will (or not).

This brings us to tonight. He was bored at home and called me and wanted to get a bite to eat. I had just given in to my Coke urge and was watching The Believer with Ryan Gosling. It was deep and amazing and really got me thinking about life. Normally, a movie like that would make me moody, but it was stimulating for me. Bud and I went to Pagliacci's for dinner and we met James there for a little bite. Bud was so sweet during all of this. He said his friends from Pullman were in town and he was going to meet them out later. He ended up inviting me and I thought since I didn't have anything else going on, I'd go out for a bit with James and Bud.

I first spent an hour by myself at home listening to Jason Mraz and hanging out with Keo. I finally showered and went out to meet the boys. Manray was busy, I ended up leaving Bud to his own devices most of the time so he didn't feel at all clostrophobic but would come back to get some warm lovings. They started to make their way out and so I walked with them to Neighbours. I used much of the same tactic there, hanging with Bud and then leaving him with other friends, then hanging out, then leaving him. Perhaps I was trying to hard but I really wanted him to feel like he could just do his own thing. His friends showed up eventually and I met them and everyone scattered to their own corners. The place got busy right away and got packed. I was having fun but I had flip-flops on so it was a little difficult to navigate with all the people there.

Bud hung out with his friends, I danced some and would find him every once in a while to say hello. Then I got plain tired and thought it was time to go home. I arranged the morning breifly with Bud and then let him stay and have his fun, letting him know that I'd be up if he wanted somebody to sleep with. His friends had another with them -- a dark boy -- and at one point while I was there his friends pushed him into the dark boy (I think his name was Walter). Once I left, I had a cigarette from the distance and noticed that Bud immediately gravitated toward the boy.

I was just saying to a friend a little earlier in the evening that I knew Bud would be a handful in the party scene and that I would need to be strong so certain less envious emotions wouldn't show themselves. Even with me at Whistler, when he was with Gerrold, he kissed me. I didn't want to keep him from doing whatever he wants to do, but I needed to know if I was strong enough to handle it and if I wanted to handle it at all. With the Coke, I became slightly obsessive but not grossly so. I just had a few cigarettes and watched on from the upstairs as they got closer and closer.

So many things came from all of this. He wasn't breaking anything we had -- we have no promises -- but it was interesting just for my own purposes. I watched for quite a while to see if I could desensitize myself to it all. I thought they would kiss, but I wonder if Bud still thought I was around so he controlled himself. I don't know if it was better they didn't or if they would have. Regardless of what was happening with them, I was more interested in what was going on in my own head.

What was I thinking? Could I handle this? What was going through Bud's mind? This thing between the two of us was still so fresh and already he was oggling another guy in a significant way. Sure, this guy was from out of town, but that was besides the point. So I need to think to myself: What do I want from a boyfriend? Do I want to be able to share them with other men in this way? Are these my own insecurities or something I need to address now before I go too far down this road? This thing Bud has with dark guys made me think a little bit of dating a bisexual guy. I can't be a girl...I just can't compete with that. Same thing with a dark boy. I can't be ethnic. I'm a white boy. I do want somebody who adores me and wants to be with me or at least thinks of me in the same way I think of them. Can this be done in an open way? I'm not sure. It would take the right guy and the right set of cirumstances to make that happen.

This really recalls the situation with Wes right after he and I started to date. He left for a big party weekend in New Orleans and he wouldn't let me nail him down to any specifics as far as our commitment to one another. I went crazy that weekend. I was so out of my mind because it was out of my control. I had started to fall for this guy, and he wouldn't commit. Was he fucking a bunch of other guys? Just one? I was not well with that at that time in my life. Perhaps I've changed a bit with the semi-openness Wes and I had in our relationship, but I'm not sure. To share somebody I'm falling for with another man -- or simply just the thought of doing that -- doesn't translate with me. It makes me want to detach. I want this, but how bad do I want it and at what cost?

I did keep my eye on Bud from time to time to see if there was other information I needed to gather so I could better make decisions over the next few weeks. I felt like I was spying, but that wasn't the point. It wasn't to get evidence so I could slam him with it later on. All of this was information I needed to have to be able to move forward. I will likely have to say something to him about it later on, but I'm not ashamed of doing it. I did dance and chat with friends and try to enjoy myself, but it was all a little much for me.

I ended up seeing Walter in the bathroom and then Buddy soon after that. The jig was up. I sort of wish I could have just left him to do whatever he was inclined to do, again not to judge him but to really get a better sense of what was going on in his mind.

Right now, I'm watching Sex and The City. It's 4:15 and the birds have started to chirp. Buddy said originally he would call when he was on his way home. I don't necessarily expect him to do it, but it would be interesting to talk with him, just to put a bookend on the night. I just don't know how to be. He said he was going to get something to eat with his friends and that guy, but I don't know what's going on. Likely, food is all over with and whatever else is meant to happen is happening. I'm not going crazy, but it does make me pause. If he is sleeping with this guy, do I want to be with somebody who wants to be with somebody else the first week we're together? Last weekend he told me he didn't want to be with anybody else, but perhaps this weekend he feels differently.

Tomorrow he's going to Lake Chelan with Jeremy and Tom and Aaron and all the a-listers. He said it was over with Jeremy, but regardless of that fact, I still have to be somewhat disengaged from Buddy right now as I assess all of this. It sucks, but I have to put up a little bit of a wall to protect myself. I think it's too early to have an in-depth conversation about all of this. But if I withdraw, it seems unfair to Bud. The thing is if this is just the beginning of our relationship, what does this mean for later? Am I reading too much into things? He was dancing with that guy in a really intimate way, and we didn't really dance like that tonight.

I have to chalk all this up to the fact that this is happening while I'm falling in love with Bud. I can't let my life be ripped apart by an unhealthy love affair. So I just need to be sure it's right. It's OK to be reticent, to be thoughtful, and to pause before jumping in. I just hope it doesn't risk the relationship moving forward. It may, but it's a necessary safeguard for my heart.

I'm watching one more episode of Sex and The City and then I need to try to sleep. I'm overstimulated, but it's important that I try to sleep. Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a little more clarity to all of this. For my sake, I hope so!